I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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