Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
