She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
