if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
