I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
