I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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