just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
