I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
