life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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