shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize