Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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