need another drink. this is the easiest way
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
