Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
