Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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