Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
