sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
