I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
