i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
