I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
