theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Randomize