How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
