I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
