I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
