i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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