i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize