Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
