Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
