i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
