No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
