I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
