after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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