God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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