If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
