I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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