god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
