After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I am naked and annoyed.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
