Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
