it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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