last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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