don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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