I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
