i just wanna soil my oats bro
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
