It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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