saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
