We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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