this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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