I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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