I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
