Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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