I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you didnt know i had herpes?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
