He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
