He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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