I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
