This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
