I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
