so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize