I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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