Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
