My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
