I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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