just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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