I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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