it's not cheating when I paid for it
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
