you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
