I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
